Playing Dead by R G. Belsky

Author:R G. Belsky
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: HarperCollins
Published: 2018-01-02T05:00:00+00:00

Lisa was snuggled up close to me in bed. Her head was lying on my chest. We’d just made love again.

“Were you ever married?” she asked.

“A long time ago.”

“What happened?”

“She died.”

“I’m sorry.”

I shrugged.

“Sometimes you remind me of her,” I said.

“Why?”

“You just do.”

“Did you love her very much?”

“Yes.”

“Good,” she smiled.

I thought about my marriage to Susan. But I was remembering another part of it this time. Lots of times our memories play tricks on us. We talk about all the good times, and forget about the bad. Sure, there were good times with Susan. But there were plenty of bad times too.

The arguments. The crying. The endless complaints that I was never around.

It was all coming back to me now.

The whole thing became a vicious cycle for us. We fought about me not being home enough to spend time with her and Joey. And the more we fought, the less I wanted to be there. I began looking for the passion in my life in other places.

By the end, I was hardly ever there for her. I’d work long hours at the Banner, hang out at bars all night, and spend whatever time I had left over gambling somewhere. I still loved Susan. I always loved Susan. But I thought I could have it all. All the passion and thrills I craved out of life, then her waiting for me at home whenever I was ready. Looking back on it now, I guess I was a disaster waiting to happen.

And when the disaster did strike—and I lost my job—I blamed everyone else. The Banner. The editors there. Other reporters who I thought didn’t stick up for me. Everyone but myself.

I still think I got a raw deal back then on the Walter Billings story.

But maybe I was at fault too. Maybe my judgement was skewered. I didn’t have much of a grip on my personal life, and maybe I let things slip a bit in my professional one too. Maybe this one was someone else’s fault. But maybe I would have screwed up the next time. I was pushing the envelope too much. Living too close to the edge. The odds were bound to catch up with me, sooner or later. They always do. At the gambling table and in life.

But I’ll tell you a secret.

Something I never admitted to anyone. Not to Carolyn. Not to any of the shrinks I saw after Susan and Joey died. Not even to myself, for a long time anyway. But here it is. Despite everything that happened in my life back then—all the disasters, all the problems, all the turmoil—there is one kernel of truth that I have come to realize.

I miss it.

I miss the excitement.

Download

Copyright Disclaimer:
This site does not store any files on its server. We only index and link to content provided by other sites. Please contact the content providers to delete copyright contents if any and email us, we'll remove relevant links or contents immediately.